After researching 20 Outrageously Sexual Ancient Egyptian Legends and smoking a cigarette, I decided to turn my attention towards other ancient sexual arts. Naturally, I turned to the sex guides of Polish priests. But when that didn’t work, I looked at the “Kama Sutra.” After all, the “Kama Sutra” is the first name in freaky sex, and it helped India make like a billion people.
Then I got to thinking. There are even more people in China, even though they are kind of sexually reserved-by-law. Why is that? So, I flew to China (or opened my menu from Pho-King Express), and after some exhaustive sexual research, I discovered it’s because China invented dozens of freaky-deaky sex positions. Here are the 18 freakiest ones I found. I dug up pictures where I could, and when I couldn’t, I drew the pictures myself using stick figures. You’re quite welcome.
15-18. Chinese Coin Sex
Because sex discussions were relatively taboo in Ancient China, they had to find subtler ways to share sexual education. A coin given to a child on their wedding day would depict popular methods of procreation, some of which are oddball.
14. Well-Postured Reverse Cowgirl
This position gets particularly more adventurous when you realize he has a giant rock stuck in his butt.
13. Butterflies In Flight
These next four are from “Tao and the Art of Lovemaking,” by Lao Tzu. He describes the position “Butterflies in Flight” as “the woman lies on top of the man, places her feet on his, and moves up and down.” I could not find a picture of this, so I did it and drew my results. The foot part was difficult to perform.
12. The White Tiger
The man grabs the woman from behind around the waist. The woman is supporting herself on the ground while the man enters her. In America, we call this “half-assed wheelbarrow.” But whatever, I did it and drew it, anyway:
11. The Dragon Turns
The woman lies on her side and presumably stays awake. The man stands next to her and enters her from behind. Lao Tzu says this is recommended for men with small penises, so I had my friend Bruce help out.
10. Seagulls On The Wing
The woman lies on the edge of the bed. The man stands by the bed, and enters her from the front, lifting her top leg onto his shoulder. You know, like seagulls do.
9. The Flying Dragon
The woman lays on her back, and raises her legs in the air. Facing away from the woman, the man places his knees on either side of her pelvis.
8. The Tiger’s Walk
The woman lies face down with her behind in the air. The man kneels sideways to her, and enters from above.
7-3. Do the Statue
At the recent Ancient Chinese Sex Relics Exhibition, a showcase devoted to ancient Chinese sexual practices, five statues were unveiled depicting weird sex acts:
Top Left:
This one’s not too weird, except for the fact that they both appear to have a huge body mass index, which would make getting plowed on one leg tiring, to say the least.
Bottom Left:
I’m assuming the guy is on the right, but it’s hard to tell. These statues were probably way hotter thousands of years ago. This one looks like a standard base, but she’s on her elbows which was her folded up like a hotel room cot. This totally resembles the yoga positions they make you (yes, you) do for constipation.
Middle:
Wow, that’s an unnecessarily enormous, erm, wang. It looks like the entire weight of the woman is being supported by his calves, which makes me think these statues came out before the invention of “sitting on things.” In fact, I’m going to call bullsh*t on this position, and say it might be impossible (in modern times, that is). Everybody try this position tonight, and please post your results in the comments section, because I need to know if it can be done. I’d try it, but for some reason my wife isn’t talking to me.
Top Right:
Remember, we’ve identified the male as the one with the giant nipple-hat. The way the female has her knees sharply bent makes me think she is a bit taller than her partner. This one looks like two people just bumping into each other on the street, except they’re naked. Fun street.
Bottom Right:
Seriously? You’re killing me, here. Apparently, the man puts his elbows and the bottoms of his feet on the floor and nothing else. Then, the woman, who we’ve already identified as bigger than her partner and obese, puts all of her weight on his pelvis. The goal seems to be to support her solely with the muscles in your rapidly deteriorating back. This explains why Eastern medicine is so good at treating back injuries.
2. The Flying Dragon
This one is simply described as “The woman is on her back, the man positions himself over her with his knees placed on the bed.” This can be quite ambiguous, so I’ve illustrated what I think they were going for:
1. The Double Lotus
The man sits in the lotus position. Then woman will mount the man sitting in lotus pose. Rest assured, this one took all of my sexual/stick-figure-drawing capabilities:
For more crazy sex jokes, look at the 15 Worst Dating Videos or Sex Positions for the Lonely and Loveless.
Evan Hoovler is a professional comedy guy and author. Peep more of his ish on IGN/Gamespy and Cracked.com
